Can you love without being sexual?

The straight answer is: YES. As a matter of fact, non sexual love is way deeper than any form of physical pleasure.
How is it expressed? As close or as distant as you would like to be to a person, it could be expressed through the body or through feelings transmitted through the eyes or even through feelings transmitted through thoughts.

As “impossible” as the above description may seem, it is completely possible.

In a “normal” relationship, closeness is expressed through sexuality. The problem with that is that there is an inherent conflict with feelings coming from the soul (spiritual nature) and pleasure experienced through the body. Any form of physical pleasure is dualistic in nature, meaning that suffering will be experienced with the same intensity of pleasure. Moreover, physical pleasure creates an immediate response in our consciousness. That response is expressed as “possession” of that which is “loved.”

Please see the contradiction. Something which is really loved, cannot be possessed. Physical “love” entails a dependency which is proportional to the amount of feelings towards another person. Jealousy, insecurity and hate/love emotional outbursts are the sign of physical “love.”

Basically, sexuality creates a “bond” or dependency towards another if there is any feelings of closeness in between. There is a mixture of physical bondage with spiritual feelings.

The problem becomes even greater as most individuals do not know what spiritual love is. For most love means the experience of lust (for another body) combined with emotional attachment...then, if sexual pleasure is added into the mix, the result is confusion.

Love. Real love is related with feelings. Feelings are of spiritual nature alone. Love is beyond duality. Love doesn't give pleasure nor pain. Love is completely fulfilling in itself without anyone's approval or disapproval. There is no possibility to experience “real” love unless we separate ourselves from lustful sexuality and its bondage of attachment. Otherwise, the physical “urges” will take precedence over spirituality since most individuals have not been trained in spiritual practices.

This means that for the immense majority of people, the second chakra will take precedence over the fourth one (heart) as most individuals express themselves through the lower chakras only ( Third and
below) rather than using the 4th (heart) and above.

Physically speaking men and women express duality and the search for completion, for unity. Both energies should be complementary of each other, however; that is not the case in a high percentage of individuals. That is why, usually relationships are set up with one person above the other, a dominant and a passive one. That is way out balance, not complementary.

Physically speaking, women have greater capacity of sexuality than men. This fact was studied by Taoists. Their answer to the problem was for a man to retain its semen for all sexual relationships and to be able to release that energy at will in limited occasions. This requires training. The aim in this Taoist type of sexuality is to “satiated women” and for men to gain subtle energies through sexuality.

The idea of men having several partners then, became part of the Taoist system. It is important to note, that this method became very important for the Chinese “higher ups” for they used to have many wives and therefore, their vitality was suffering tremendously by releasing precious energy every time with every partner.

Nowadays, the issue is still there. This Taoist method has its problem as well. Since it deals with “techniques” of pleasuring a sexual partner (duality,) spiritual love is out. By placing all importance on the sexual, pleasurable aspect and techniques; spiritual love, non-dual love is forgotten.

Celibacy is the path to experience fulfillment, detachment and deep love from the heart. Unfortunately, this path is not for everyone, for it requires more than anything; sensibility to beauty and a deep development of feelings which not everyone has taken the time to develop.

Real love has nothing to do with “sweaty passion.” It has nothing to do with “noisy pleasure.” It has nothing to do with criminal lustful eyes or killing the self for the sake of pleasure.

Real love is experienced as care, tenderness, understanding and constantly nurturing a relationship... of course, the keyword is "constantly"....

On love and relationships

Many times fulfillment is found when we find another (??)... Paradoxically, that is far from fulfillment.

Finding another for company could be constructive once we are at ease with our own selves, once loneliness is completely gone, not through others but in "self-relationship." This is a basic axiom of finding spirituality in our life. Without a closer look "inside" we cannot pretend to reach the "outside" with edification in our lives. Society in general, and its "laws" and traditions dictates that "togetherness" is in fact necessary. A "couple" is needed to reproduce and to care for its own off-springs, sort of what animals do in their own hierarchical structure. However, ego, lust, anger and other economically exploited weaknesses belong to humans. That lack of ego in animals allows them to live in a very ordained way for self preservation of their own species. That structure allows them to survive.... unless the egotistical human being appears in their path.

Two human beings displaying ego, lust, anger and attachment could never find what love is; for love is selfless. There is no motive to it. No transaction. No "kickback."

Western human beings in general believe in "falling in love," (something unknown to other cultures) and in making such a state to last for a lifetime. That is an illusion. "Falling in love" does not mean a lasting relationship. Commitment means a lasting relationship, however; commitment is not necessarily related with "falling in love" but perhaps surprisingly, is related with love. "True" love.

Commitment is a mature way of relating. It is no longer about "me" and my needs which need to be fulfilled by "you." Nor about "you" being before "me." Commitment places value in a relationship and what it implies to keep it alive. A relationship means "togetherness" and in that "individuality" is merged. Commitment demonstrates care. It is about actions. It is about walking our own talk.

There cannot be commitment to another unless we find meaning in committing to our own selves first. That commitment entails the pursue of those values which enhances our own life and the the lives of others. That is called sometimes, self-respect. It is through the nourishing soil of self-respect how its fruit, love; appears.

The experience of love in our lives brings the ideal of beauty close to our hearts. Those feelings become our own "fuel" our own self fulfillment and magically; enlighten the path of others touched by that light. Love transcends "me" to reach others, when "me" is no longer there.

The illusion of desire

I hoped that he would love me,

And he has kissed my mouth,

But I am like a stricken bird

That cannot reach the south.

For though I know he loves me,

To-night my heart is sad;

His kiss was not so wonderful

As all the dreams I had.

by: Sara Teasdale

This poem by Sara Teasdale (one of the best lyrical writings I ‘ve seen from USA poets) describes one of the biggest illusions a human mind has as far as romantic relationships. The same thought could be applied to anything we dream about in life. Reality as “whatever happened” will never match “what I would have liked to happen.”

Sexuality works in the same way. Our mind searches for satisfaction, comfort, a “perfect like” state that will never happen. The desire for “union” and to “fuse” our own personality in other being is part of that psychological longing for perfection, bliss and happiness. The result of this lack of fulfillment is to keep trying and experiencing different thrills, however; our mind is incapable of realizing that perfection, bliss and happiness cannot be attained by physical means.

Sex is pleasurable. Sex will not give anyone bliss or happiness since attaining those states means a constant experience of those. Once sex is over, the next “episode” is sought out. Once repetition becomes dull and boring, changes are necessary to enhance the thrill of it. However, this search for fulfillment becomes like trying to posses the ocean with our own hands. It is impossible.

A mind that is caught up in sensual pleasures for fulfillment of desires will never be satisfied. Our dreams will be always better than our experiences. Bliss and happiness are spiritual experiences which are not related with the physical body.

Even though the mind is thirsty for happiness, it keeps searching and trying to quench that thirst with salty snacks hoping to find the “right person,” “the right experience,” ”the right thrill.”

Life becomes a never ending search of fulfilling dreams. Once we attain that dream, we realize that there is something else that we want to achieve. The spiral of desires keeps growing and humans keep spinning like on a hamster’s wheel, moving fast but going nowhere… until death meets us.

The mind becomes saturated with pleasurable experiences to numb its own painful existence. What painful existence? To experience diseases, to experience departure of loved ones, to experience old age, to experience death. Sex as pleasure, is there to numb the mind and keep it entertained and doped, unable to see the futility of all. Vital energy runs out of our living organisms as if we are deliberately provoking our own suicide, planning our own death sentence “small doses” at the time. The mind is full of unfulfilled desires.

No one worth possessing
Can be quite possessed;
Lay that on your heart,
My young angry dear;
This truth, this hard and precious stone,
Lay it on your hot cheek,
Let it hide your tear.
Hold it like a crystal
When you are alone
And gaze in the depths of the icy stone.
Long, look long and you will be blessed:
No one worth possessing
Can be quite possessed.

Sara Teasdale.

Dealing with perceived sexual urges

When we observe the reactions within we can choose the type of reactions which will be expressed to the outside. Sexual energy is a very powerful energy which needs to be moved and transformed. Without this knowledge of movement and transformation, the desire will increase and the energy will build up in the “root” chakra. Without movement, energy kept inside will alter our state of mind. Ejaculations, masturbation, wet dreams, are forms of expression of this energy. At this point, energy has been wasted.

Whatever sensations we perceive through the physical body are closely related with our subtle energies (chakras.)We feel physical attraction for someone; my stomach area will “feel funny.” That is a chakra which was stimulated. As our thoughts increase the desire for pleasure, subtle energy will build up and go “downwards” through the lower end chakras and finally this energy will go out of the body. We may feel a “relief” the sensation that I am ‘back to normal,’ but just as a frog inside a pot of water does not realize that temperature has gone up (if we were to boil that water) until it is too late; likewise, the same action of wastage of our own energy will manifest in pains, ailments, mental and physical weaknesses which we like to conveniently call normal “old age” for lack of knowledge.

That energy needs to be transformed. Attraction among human beings will be there. It is part of understanding duality and the law of karma. The energy which this attraction entails could be a lustful, needy, longing, possessive energy which will end in ejaculation or it could be refined and transformed using our heart chakra. The power of feelings will transform this energy, making it more subtle and meaningful. This energy could be sent to another person, or even God.
As the awareness of this energy of attraction is building up, I need to relax myself by breathing, using my mind to direct that energy at the level of my heart chakra and using my pure good wishes towards the trigger of that energy (person who I felt attracted.) Using shallow breaths and concentrating on my heart and eyes, I send this energy. What I send, I receive. This is a law (karma.) The thoughts sending this energy could be something like: “I wish you the best” Or “I thank you for your beauty, it is lighting up my day,” etc. It is all about changing our thoughts, attitude and feelings towards other human beings.

This practice is the basis for true “platonic love” between people. (Non-sexual love based on feelings, physical hugs, snuggling, etc. where there is no intercourse or mouth kiss in its more purist form.) It is based on feelings and transforming our control of this sexual energy inside us. In the average person this build up of energy will automatically create more tension in the body which will desire to release this energy ending up in sexual intercourse. Obviously, this lack of control of the self is usually tinted with romantic tones, but in actuality once this energy is gone there is a physical release and at the same time an unconscious feeling of depletion, which creates this “love-hate” circle, exploited by Hollywood movies and which makes sex completely misunderstood thus, mysterious and therefore, appealing to the masses.

Build up in tension within ourselves ends up in aggression, possessiveness and lack of self confidence and trust.
Pure platonic love based on feelings does not last 5 minutes. As long as the energy is transformed into pure feelings from the heart, automatically your senses change as well. Your touch becomes sensitive, caresses become light and meaningful, the eyes will transmit loving feelings and most importantly you will feel energized by the power of tenderness and nurtured by true feelings of closeness.
Without the previous training/mastering to be able to move energy across your body and without the understanding of producing feelings from the heart chakra to overcome the “root” lower chakra, any practice of platonic love, will end up in losing the seed, in ejaculation. In other words, wastage, thus; it is helpful to practice this pure platonic love in public places such as parks surrounded by nature and with boundaries; to get acquainted with our own energies.

The path of celibacy will enable a person to master his own senses. To build sensitivity to subtle energies which will allow a person to connect with others in a more caring and loving way and at the same time it is the gateway to higher Godly experiences. The more advanced someone is in the spiritual path, the lesser physical experiences will be needed. Once the little “training wheels” in the bike are removed, you will know how to ride a bike, but until then going down and “kissing the floor” is part of the experience. Have you ever wondered why kids can learn a lot faster than adults? A “kid like” mind is needed in the path of celibacy.