Experience of Celibacy from a female perspective

Q: Why Celibacy?


A: (12/09) I first adopted it out of being fed up with failed connections that were based on sex. For so long, I was under the illusion that sexual relations was the way to achieve the “ultimate” connection with another but time after time it proved itself to be the ultimate disconnection. The pattern was relentless no matter who the person… We would have some sort of special connection. We would have sex. Then eventually we would end up feeling hurt by one another. I always remembered feeling weak and insecure in the connection with the other person, once we engaged in sexual relations. Things never seemed to make sense and I felt like I lacked some control over myself once the deed was done. So, when I discovered celibacy, I felt very enthusiastic about taking on the practice of not practicing.


My reason for remaining celibate after six years has deepened with experience. It’s the experience of connecting with myself as a soul and having a connection with the Supreme soul that has led way to this depth. Through this connection, I experience myself to be beyond the physical…a metaphysical being. I have experienced different forms of myself and the highest forms are this state of purity that is completely beyond any vibrations of the vices. At this point in time, this is only an experience of myself and not yet a state of being. The good part is that the contrast of purity vs. impurity is very evident. The impressions of the vices are still there and, although many of them have lost power, I have experienced in my spiritual journey what it is like to sustain them. This vice of lust is the one that weakens me the most. I don’t actually have to indulge in the act for it’s neighboring impressions to appear. It’s all a matter of looking to others for sense of self, comfort, protection, etc. It’s starts with attraction and ends with addiction. The soul becomes dependent on the other for these experiences. The intellect stops functioning properly but, worse then before, the intellect has the experience of wisdom and truth and so a serious battle takes place. It’s almost as if one could watch the quality of the soul degrade before the eyes. Like seeing a roaring fire turned to a shimmering amber.


A: (8/10)

Through this Spiritual journey, I have begun to experience a significant amount of spiritual power and virtues. Seeing these things in action is enough to keep me on this path. Before this path, I don’t remember thinking about or even know if I knew what celibacy or lust was?

Even after becoming celibate I have had much lust inside. Although I’ve continued to abstain, I have discovered that sex is the most overt form of lust…the ultimate satisfaction…sort of the end result of what is going on inside. Realistically speaking, I know that sex doesn’t just happen. There is a whole wealth of things going on inside before it happens. I’ve observed in myself that it starts with this desire to be close to a particular person. I create them in my mind and use these thoughts to sustain all sorts of feelings and vibes. That’s never enough though. It moves onto wanting to spend time with the person and needing to get to know them. Still that isn’t enough. Next I need to touch them. And yet that’s not enough. I then must move onto kissing. Why stop there? It doesn’t stop until sex happens. Eventually the sex with that person gets old and then the mind turns to another to sustain these feelings. One of the problems with me is that I have a difficult time letting go. Even though I might recognize that this source has been depleted, it’s like I get locked into seeing that connection as my only means for those feelings. I’m not able to see clearly. I tend to fight to protect and maintain this connection but the more I do this then the more I suffocate and push away the partner. Then the person rejects me even more and eventually I feel hurt and/or angry. One of us eventually disconnects and moves onto others. This cycle continues.

Although I haven’t taken it quite this far since I’ve been celibate, I have played out the emotions enough to see the pattern. The difference lately is that I have experienced internal power through my spiritual endeavors and have seen what virtues look like in action. Now, even when I experience myself going into the rudimentary forms of lust, like longing to be close to someone, I feel that power decrease. The more I go into these feelings, the less power I feel. It also seems to have an effect on my quality of being. I don’t see virtues come out in my actions as much. I guess it is because with lust I am in this state of taking from others. Virtues seem to be a giving force. They are independent of need. They are the result of self sovereignty. Lust makes me completely reliant on an external source for my sense of self, happiness, comfort, etc. When I am free from this, I am able to give. My mind isn’t bound to another and, therefore I am not preoccupied with finding external means to sustain this source. I am then able to see things clearly and free to be whatever I need to be or give whatever I need to give in any given circumstance. The liveliest virtues I experience from this state of being are sensibility, cooperation and creativity.

Another thing I have experienced from remaining celibate is the difference in the quality of my connections with others. Not being tied to a particular person because of lust has made me available for other connections. Because I am not constantly being pulled by this need to be with a particular person and am therefore available for different kinds of connections. From this, I have watched my connections with friends, family, co-workers and even perfect strangers grow and deepen. I have also discovered the value and beauty of friendships. I value them because they are instrumental in my spiritual growth. I find them beautiful because they provide the closeness and warmth from sharing while maintaining independence from one another. My previous reflection on celibacy states that I thought that sex was the ultimate connection with another. Now I am finding that friendship is because it seems that it is the kind of connection with others that is balanced and more able to maintain a higher level of connecting. Of course the correct connection with the self pervades all connections.